An open letter to my enemies

Now that I’ve got your attention, allow me to remove the term “enemy.” Sorry for the click bait. But it all applies. Let me break it down.

This is a great blog to show y’all I am a human and I get picked on too.

Enemy
ˈenəmē/
noun
a person who is actively opposed or hostile to someone or something.

Note “actively opposed,” and “hostile.” I am neither or any arrangement of those words towards anyone. Hi Jessica. No, not even you. And yes, I know that’s not your real name. Why do I care, right? Even I could say, Hey- Check the Throwing shade: how it hurts you post before I bat an eyelash. It’s about choosing battles, it’s always about choosing battles. It’s about protecting my genuine true spirit. It’s about preserving my peace. “Jessica” The masked keyboard creeper is NOT worth a second of my time.

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However, I’ll get right to it. I have suffered a lot of trauma in my life. I have been emotionally and verbally abused by people I trusted. I have been bullied to extreme levels. I have been harassed. I have been stalked. I have been put into situations where I’ve had to calculate my every move to keep the peace. To walk on eggshells. To dodge toxicity, confrontation, volitle situations. I have always gracefully turned my back while grenades flew into it. I choose time and time again to keep control.

As a human and all, It has not been easy.

When you’re busy taking the high road, you hardly ever get closure. I’ve been robbed of many opportunities because the situation was not healthy enough to gather it. I recognized that in those moments and I didn’t wait around for it. (Go me.) Enough time has passed that I no longer care for any. The dust settles. I have grown light years since then. I am a mother now. I am not a child. I’ve forgiven those who never asked to be forgiven. Even the ones who are coming back with their little daggers, years later.

I just want to make myself clear.

I knew that creating a blog was a risk. I knew, that taking my experiences and innermost thoughts, handing them over to the Internet would mean anyone can say what they want about it. Any of it. I knew that by putting myself out there, I made myself vulnerable. As an introvert, as an owner of a deep layered soul, as someone with anxiety- I knew it was a gigantic plunge I would pay for one way or another.

I also knew my experiences and my innermost thoughts were not to be shared in vain. I know there are young mothers and young women such as I- who may take comfort or understanding in my words. They may delight in my corny humor on a bad day, swell with love crossing a common passion, empathize my crippling heartbreaks, my pure relief and illumination as I- as we arrive at the lesson learned. The moral of it all.  These possibilities were all so much more important than your opinion, “Jessica.”

Girl. I say with so much love- you didn’t creep around long enough for me to be of service to you. I actually state in Throwing Shade,

“Ever notice how saying something ugly makes you feel ugly? It’s like that foul after taste. You look, sound and feel bitter because you are. I mean, it might for a moment put you higher than the other person in your head, but that’s not real. That’s just you taking the most unhealthy route for a quick ego boost.

Comparisons are made when you feel like what you have isn’t good enough. People don’t realize how transparent it is when they don’t like themselves and in turn they prey on others. (Yes, people CAN see through that.)”

Would you like an acknowledgment? I regretfully can’t completely quench your thirst when I say, you are no enemy of mine. I mourn you, because you don’t exist in my world. Your power ends where it began, on a keyboard. I knew about you and your scary cloak of hateful Internet anonymity before you made yourself known. I had already chose to not fear you. I never will. Thank you for your feedback. You should be happy to see it has been considered. Truly.

Also- Just for fun, to call me “fake” would imply you know more about me than what I let on, or that you know me at all. You don’t. Even if you met me yesterday you don’t know me today. My evolution has been unyielding. I can’t imagine how outdated your idea of me must be. Anyone I allow to associate closely with is loving and supportive towards me. Therefore you are not any where near me. Yet you come all this way via the digital world, to bite at my ankles. I imagine that says much more about you than it does me.

Making someone your enemy creates war within yourself. I gave up that mentality a bit ago. Forgive me for my selfishness, but I’ve got much more important things to ponder on.

When it’s about choosing battles, we’ve got to understand some can be won without getting your hands dirty. If you’re looking for me, you can find me not looking for you.  I will continue to share openly, honestly and shamelessly on my blogging journey. I truly wish you the kind of happiness that diffuses your desire to peak over this way. May you create a world for yourself that is beautiful to you. 

Sincerely,

A (Growing) Grown Up.

 

 

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